Change is a horrible word ain't it?

Nineteen days I’m gone and so many things have changed. I swear I’ll never just go like this again. I hate change. Especially of things that I am attached to.
He says I’ve changed…at least he thinks I have. Has this time apart pushed us further away? Please God let this not be another dead end…please! I don’t think I’ll survive this one. He says I have to be able to understand him more. What about him understanding me? Or am I just looking at it from a totally selfish point of view?
Disappointment is now a frequent visitor in my life. I never, never expected today to end up like this. I’m back after weeks abroad, missed him ever so much, I practically ache for him and he ends up thinking I’ve changed and after making plans wants to just go sleep. I mean, what makes him think I don’t understand him? I DO know about his trouble sleeping, but, just thought that maybe just today…because of all this time apart…I could once again talk to him maybe just a little longer. Maybe…
Now…I can’t sleep. I’m scared, I’m petrified!
I know I’m a big ass coward! I know it! My motto – at the first sign of danger; RUN! I don’t want to do that with this…I love him so much…I just cannot lose him. Thought things would be better when I come…it just turned out that EVERYTHING just took a turn for the worse. Work, my relationship…the bloody fucking heat, oh! And let’s not forget my sorry finances and its plans to drench me on its way to diminishment!