Change is a horrible word ain't it?

Nineteen days I’m gone and so many things have changed. I swear I’ll never just go like this again. I hate change. Especially of things that I am attached to.
He says I’ve changed…at least he thinks I have. Has this time apart pushed us further away? Please God let this not be another dead end…please! I don’t think I’ll survive this one. He says I have to be able to understand him more. What about him understanding me? Or am I just looking at it from a totally selfish point of view?
Disappointment is now a frequent visitor in my life. I never, never expected today to end up like this. I’m back after weeks abroad, missed him ever so much, I practically ache for him and he ends up thinking I’ve changed and after making plans wants to just go sleep. I mean, what makes him think I don’t understand him? I DO know about his trouble sleeping, but, just thought that maybe just today…because of all this time apart…I could once again talk to him maybe just a little longer. Maybe…
Now…I can’t sleep. I’m scared, I’m petrified!
I know I’m a big ass coward! I know it! My motto – at the first sign of danger; RUN! I don’t want to do that with this…I love him so much…I just cannot lose him. Thought things would be better when I come…it just turned out that EVERYTHING just took a turn for the worse. Work, my relationship…the bloody fucking heat, oh! And let’s not forget my sorry finances and its plans to drench me on its way to diminishment!

OH! i dont know!

I always have to go and mess things up...I'm like the princess of 'mess-ups'.

I'm so freaked out that one day I'll just make such a big boo-boo that I'll ruin everything forever! GOD FORBID!

I hope I don't coz what will i every do without my cuddlywuddly????

I wish I wasn't so dum! I wish I would think before did things!

and NOW he thinks i dont know him ... at all! I do!

Why do i have to be so selfish, self-centered and horrid!

I'm so useless!

Cuddlywuddly deserves better!

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM................

Oh Yeah!

skeptical thoughts!

ok...i don't get this...why the skepticism? i mean, i don't like it and i wish there was something i could do to explain...
and the thing that bothers me is this: do i make him feel like he doesnt do enough? am i demanding things? am i being ungrateful? i dont want to make him feel like that...
i want him to know that i love him with everything i have and that that will never change...
he is my kindred spirit...how can it?
it scares me everytime he feels like this coz it feels like either im not trusted or that maybe he doesnt have that much faith in us...
wish i could do something...but i dont know WHAT!
i will find a way though...somehow! some-way!

WOW!

its going to be almost two months now...my cuddlywuddly and me...and its been awesome!
i know i haven't recorded anything like for almost more than a month now...
but its been wonderful...with the play and seeing my cuddlywuddly almost everyday and spending so much time with him and going places...its been incredible!
i've learnt a lot too...but there is still one thing i don't think i will ever get over and thats about HER!...the ex-girlfriend...
i can be so touchy about her i think it bugs him ... wish i could not be like that and be tolerant...but URGH! she gets my blood boiling! i dont know why she gets to me so much...she makes me feel very insecure that i know...
but the thing is i know he loves me now...but maybe its because of everything they had and probably the connection and all that crap...that is what is so weird ...and the fact that they are friends...and good friends at that!
its scary...i know he won't leave me for her...but STILL...its this naggy feeling at the back of my head...when it comes to her...i guess i feel threatened by her!
YUCKY ain't it!
anyways...moving on!
today me and my cuddlywuddly did something i've always wanted to do...
we went out for coffee at night! went to deli france...and hmmmmmmmmm...........it was nice to just sit there, beside my cuddlywuddly and sip yummy coffee :)
hmmmmmmmmmmm....................i L O V E him!

woweeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

its going to be almost two months now...my cuddlywuddly and me...and its been awesome! i know i haven't recorded anything like for almost more than a month now... but its been wonderful...with the play and seeing my cuddlywuddly almost everyday and spending so much time with him and going places...its been incredible!
i've learnt a lot too...but there is still one thing i don't think i will ever get over and thats about HER!...the ex-girlfriend... i can be so touchy about her i think it bugs him ... wish i could not be like that and be tolerant...but URGH! she gets my blood boiling! i dont know why she gets to me so much...she makes me feel very insecure that i know... but the thing is i know he loves me now...but maybe its because of everything they had and probably the connection and all that crap...that is what is so weird ...and the fact that they are friends...and good friends at that! its scary...i know he won't leave me for her...but STILL...its this naggy feeling at the back of my head...when it comes to her...i guess i feel threatened by her! YUCKY ain't it!
anyways...moving on! today me and my cuddlywuddly did something i've always wanted to do... we went out for coffee at night! went to deli france...and hmmmmmmmmm...........it was nice to just sit there, beside my cuddlywuddly and sip yummy coffee :) hmmmmmmmmmmm....................i L O V E him!

Me and my instabilities...im not comfortable with her being around...and in the picture...
BUT yesterday...unlike i would as usual air my opinion, regardless of anything else, kept my uncertainties to myself and acted all nonchalant...
i upset my cuddlywuddly...and made him think that i didnt care at all...
I DO!

how? how? how? How am i supposed to come to terms with the whole thing? i do trust my cuddlywuddly... but its not that! its just that i cant bring myself to even think of a life without my cuddlywuddly...what would i do?

never felt so freaked out in my life...its scary that i can even feel like this...

i know one thing for sure though...its past us now...and I LOVE HIM!

Sigh! [happy, dreamy smile]

CuddlyWuddly says:

Everything i want?
Everything i need?
Everything i dreamed of?
Everything I've longed for?
How would i describe you?
Everything and more...no,
Even that doesn't do justice.

Where will i find the words?
My mind betrays me, deserts me.
The only thing there...is you.

Your face, your smile,
Your voice, your touch.
Comforting me and tormenting me.

Someday, you won't be just in my head,
You'll be here, next to me,
In my arms to hold you close...forever!